Canada Dry's Not-Too-Sweet Folks

The way in which you choose to sing this jingle could be the key to your entire personality. Me? I'm with Broderick Crawford: world-weary, exhausted, vaguely disgusted.

Do The Patty Duke Dance!

As she dances at her house party, her moods swing with each beat. At first she seems pleased and delighted, and then, in a split second, she rolls her eyes and looks exasperated.

Learn this dance, and then explain it to me!

Do the Twizzle!

"I'd like to dedicate this Twizzle to the writing and the production staff of The Alan Brady Show," offers the young man who is about to give Chubby Checker a run for his money.

Morey Amsterdam proceeds to do a Yizzele Twizzle. Dick Van Dyke does his loose-limbed shtikala. And Mary Tyler Moore just happens to be wearing her twisting blouse, by sheer coincidence.

Do the Hucklebuck!

Norton, don't take the needle off the record. This song really, REALLY swings. And turn it up!

How do you do the Hucklebuck, you ask? As Norton says, "do what the lyricist sez on there."

Madonna on a Budget

Here, in 1982, Madonna will appear anywhere anyone would have her, even if it's the Philly dance show "Dancin' On Air."

Madonna is dressed that way on purpose, and so are the kids in the peanut gallery.

Nastassia Kinksi Wang Chunging the 80s

When first seeing this in 1982, we thought she was a stoned-out whack job. Seeing it again in 2010, she seems like a nice, centered, lovely, normal, well-spoken girl with a sensible 'do.

Take It From Merm!

Take it from Merm, and we do. From the "bigger-is-better" school of advertising, here comes The Merm pimping Vel dishwashing liquid in a very big way. But, like Tina Turner, The Merm never, ever does nothin' nice...and easy.

Pay attention to the way she says "gangbusters." It's more like "gangbustis." If you are to ever use the word in a sentence, be sure you take it from Merm and say "gangbustis."

Rice Krispies: Vesti

Brilliant genius classic. I would pay money to see this opera.

A Colgate Three Way

When Handsome Harry and Cutie Katie hook up, there is no telling what may happen. At least they are protected, though, with activated Gardol (apparently, that is a toothpaste ingredient).

Remember that when you enter a room from now on, ALWAYS wave to the crowd like Handsome Harry does. 

Ultra Brite: It Gets You Noticed

Nothing to say here. Just listen to the narrator, and he'll explain it all for you.

Discuss: is this for real, or a tongue-in-cheek satire? It was, after all, 1983, so it's very difficult to determine.

I sincerely hope Richie and Lynn have managed to stay together and have not soured on each other due to decaying bodies and decaying teeth.

Boris Karloff Pimping A-1 Steak Sauce

"Experiment with it!" says Boris Karloff in this really fun case of the old horror master slumming toward the end of his career. And how much do you love Beverly!

Russian Version of The Nanny

Are Stalin and Lenin spinning in their graves? Class conflict has never been so uproarious until you have the proletariat nanny serving the children of the upper crust.

Learn the theme song phonetically, comrade.

Beverly Hillbillies: Girl Up

What is it that Ellie Mae says to Jed when he asks her if she had finished her Corn Flakes?

"Had two balls."

Hmmm. The frank sexual talk continues when Jed and Jethro engage in a heart-to-heart about the birds and the bees and the cereal.

The Brady Bunch Closing Credits Season 1

What's strange about these closing credits of the Brady Bunch (other than the fact that the characters are encased in boxes and looking straight ahead)?

Answer: the film is forwarded and rewound at approximately five-second intervals, and the characters' heads bob and then repeat.

Pay very close attention to Ann B. Davis' eyebrows and you'll see what I mean.

Can't beat the cheerful closing theme though. It's so joyous, like a parade in New Orleans.

The Doris Day Show

All in the typical life of a contemporary, modern TV woman of the 70s: the crusty but lovable boss, the flaky friend, and the fashion show in which she wears her hair not so much in a ponytail but more like a backwards horse tail.

What contemporary 70s woman doesn't drive a convertible wearing a raincoat (wouldn't it make more sense to put the top up?). And she hops and skips off the cable car as if to say, "aren't I adorable? Won't will be, be?"

Family Affair Opening

Talk about blind faith: we are asked to stay tuned to a show that gives us no clue as to what it is about.

Please Don't Eat The Daisies Opening Credits

Take a look and don't turn your heads: this was life before remote control and before 500 channels. THIS, boys and girls, was what you had to endure, for as long as it took, and it took a long time.

Also, dig the intense sitcom faces made by every member of this perfectly lovable, warm, white-bread family who are just like the folks down the street. Like tedious old friends, these are the people you were forced to spend time with, and you were asked to believe it and like it.

Gilligan's Island: The Honeybees

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EgE6PbBEIc&feature=related

The Gilligan girls as a swingin' pop group, and they swing. Dig Lovey Howell, the Betty White of her day.

It took me 30 years to figure out Mary Ann's line: "Like Hawaiians need their poi." Now life can go on as per usual.

Gilligan's Island Pilot Theme

Somebody call Rewrite! The story takes place in the South Pacific, but the theme music is from the Caribbean. The pilot episode is just under thirty minutes, and so is the theme song.

Kristy and Leif Explore Their Feelings

Very tender: the very first lesbian love scene on television.

Kristy and Jimmy McNichol Dance!

Jimmy absolutely blows Kristy off the dance floor. Kristy needs to turn up the energy a bit more. This is, after all, disco. And she is, after all, wearing what she is wearing. And the song? Not at all derivative of every hit in the Top 10 of 1978. No, not at all.

Dick Clark reassures us that there is more coming up, so don't go away. But after this, what more could there be?

JJ and Telma Dance

Do you have soul when you dance? Do you make James Brown look like Lawrence Welk? Are your moves as smooth as The Cassanova of the Ghett-to? Do you look like you are trying to stomp out roaches?

Well, put a Tavares record on the turntable and crank it up!

Damn Damn Damn!

Not a damn thing funny about this, but repeat this catchphrase to anyone hip enough to know it and it elicits instant laughter. Funny thing. But not really. Ya know?

Giblet Gravy and Sliced Turkey!

This one defies description, but that never stops me: a housewife channels a Tennessee Williams character and, naturally, loses her mind over the time it takes to heat up a TV dinner. Her husband is understandably terrified.

She says, "and by and by it was done," which sounds like a Bible passage or a unique physics term to measure time.

The most significant frozen dish of our time indeed.