Duel

Of course, we all know it as Steven Speilberg's directorial debut, blah, blah, blah... but you'll be scared out of your wits by the big ol' truck that wants to do in Dennis Weaver and those innocent 70s schoolkids.

Dennis Weaver being anxiety-ridden is precious! And Speilberg will take this anxiety-ridden concept and expand upon it. Instead of a truck, he will utilize a big fish that eats people, but it's the same difference.

The worst victim of all: that poor, poor Plymouth Valiant!

Have fun being terrified!

Bad Ronald

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrRySBKART0&feature=related


(Sorry, I couldn't embed this joint, but don't let that stop you from sharing in the anxiety! Simply click on the link above.).

You already know what a whack job Bad Ronald is, living in the walls of a house, awash in a sick, twisted fantasy and unintentionally killing people. Haven't we all been there?

Talk about overstaying your welcome! His memory lingers on, long after the deed was done. Not cool, Bad Ronald!

Because this movie was aired before the Age of Irony, Bad Ronald doesn't triumph in the end, but we're all rooting for him and his life within the walls. And let's face it: doesn't that bland family deserve what they get? And who wouldn't want an unstable Scott Jacoby weaved into the infrastructure of their home?

Yes, hooray for Scott Jacoby, in a performance that helped freak out a generation. And Kim Hunter, out of her Ape makeup, plays his anxiety-ridden mom.

The Longest Night

When I was ten, I saw this TV movie for the first time, and I couldn't sleep for a week. Get ready for some major, freaky insomnia.

What makes this movie even more frightening than it already is: it's TRUE! It was based on a real story, and that fact alone will freak you more than the flick.

Rich girl gets kidnapped. She's placed in an actual coffin, which is rigged for only a week's worth of oxygen. Will she be rescued in time? I ain't sayin'.

Trilogy of Terror: Amelia

Ain't nothing going to scare you like this one. It's part of a TV movie called "Trilogy of Terror," but nobody will remember the other two stories. Only this one has left its imprint on a generation.

The miracle performed here: the special effects suck, and yet you will still be crying for your mommy.

This film will literally change you. Watch it with the lights out.

The Girl Most Likely To

This is my own personal favorite 70s TV movie of all time.

In it, Stockard Channing plays a smart but unpopular college student who is not easy on the eyes. She's tormented and disrespected by her callous, superficial classmates, and she appears to be resolved to an unlucky fate.

In this winning, classic performance, she's an ugly ducking who eventually, through a serious car accident and subsequent surgery, becomes a beautiful swan.

Once she transforms into a hot piece of ass, she proceeds to murder everyone who was cruel to her along the way. And she doesn't just kill them -- she gives their murders a lot of serious, creative thought.

You don't know whether to cheer her or fear her, but you will never forget her.

The most beautifully wicked revenge movie ever filmed, co-starring such tiresome old friends as Jim Backus, Larry Wilcox and Ed Asner.

The brilliance of this movie knows no bounds. The genius of its irony knows no limits. The fact that this movie constantly stays under the radar is a puzzlement.

Take time to experience this one. It will change you forever.

SCTV -- Angie Dickenson for Fancy Free Undershields

An exercise in the best ad speak of the era, with the worst (best) cue-card read of forever.

SCTV -- Ethel Merman's Wake Up and Love Me

A woman who learned the language of love at the hands of Ernest Borgnine. You haven't lived if you haven't made love to "Wake Up and Love Me."

SCTV -- Brenda Vaccaro

When throaty actress Brenda Vaccaro decided to pimp feminine napkins, America wondered about her wheezy delivery. SCTV jumped right on it, though, as you can see here.

Pay special attention to her script too. It's a speech worth repeating as often as possible. Example: "Feminine protection. And I like that."

SCTV -- Moxwell House

When actress Margaret Hamilton, who played the wicked witch in The Wizard of Oz, decided to pimp Maxwell House coffee, you knew this spoof was coming!

SCTV -- Connie Frankin's Greatest Hits

How long has it been since you've been really depressed? Get ready!

"Stop Slapping My Face Please"

"You Depress Me"

And many more!

SCTV -- The Five Neat Guys

The neatest guys of the '50s! Order the album or tape!

"Who Made The Egg Salad Sandwiches?"

"Who Put the Pennies In My Loafers?"

And many more!

SCTV -- Annie's 8,000th Performance!

The original cast -- but not the original prices!

SCTV -- Birkney's Diamonds

Let the clip speak for itself. If you haven't seen this yet, get ready to watch it about a thousand times over the course of decades.

SCTV -- Tammy Baker for Mayberline

When Catherine O' Hara first wowed us with this incredible imitation, most of the world did not yet know of Tammy Baker. Credit O' Hara with this brilliant insight.

SCTV -- The Cow Malt Liquor from Blitz

Joe Flarety killing as John Huston, but John Candy killing as Shelly Winters too. It's always a killfest.

You'll find yourself talking like John Huston for about two hours after this clip.

SCTV -- Perry Como Still Alive

You've never seen Perry Como this relaxed -- or SCTV this brilliant. Dig Rick Moranis' voiceover too.

As Perry sings, "I love the nightlife. I love to bogie."

SCTV -- Joyce de 1/2 Witt for Half Legs

Andrea Martin killing it with America's favorite "where is she now?": Joyce deWitt. Joyce actually did a pantyhose commercial during her fifteen seconds of fame. This is a spoof of it.

SCTV -- Kate Hepburn for Twillings Tea

Kate talks about her first time. The best imitation of Kate Hepburn EVER. Of course, it comes from Catherine O' Hara.

Dawn Wells Not Being Mary Ann!

Whenever we see any of the castaways in regular street clothes and bopping about in civilization, it's always as disorienting as it gets. There are a million examples from which to choose, but here is the most disturbing of all the disorienting Gilligan alums' post-curricular work.

Although she does wind up in a cornfield, Dawn Wells is decidedly not Mary Ann, as she is pistol whipped and then mercilessly chased by a serial killer in The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1976).

For our poor Mary Ann to be bludgeoned and hunted and bleeding, our disorientation is compounded, even more so than when Bob Denver is not playing stupid or Jim Backus is not playing rich.

If you think the town dreaded it, wait until you get a look. Dread (and disorientation) is the order of the day (or the night). And somebody shut up that damn dog.

Michael Richards Not Being Kramer!

What a total bummer. So not hipster doofus. His pretzels are making us thirsty. This was the all-time disorienting moment in TV characters not being themselves.

Max Baer, Jr. Not Being Jethro Bodine!

Bravo, Jethro! Smart, confident, articulate, well-informed, and sitting backwards on a director's chair. It's the perfect storm of disorientation. Miss Jane would be proud.

Jim Nabors Not Being Gomer Pyle!

Here's the "Heart-Touching Magic of Jim Nabors," but even more importantly, here's the brain-twisting disorientation of seeing Jim simultaneously not be Gomer Pyle AND wear a leisure suit. Wow. Just wow.

"America's Romantic Recording Star," as the announcer asks us to now call him, sings "Help Me Make It Through The Night" because he knows how tough this will be for us.

He also sings "You Don't Know Me," and we really don't, do we?

We're informed that he is not only loved by millions, but by countless millions. Good news for Jim, but not good news for the Census Bureau.

Jean Stapleton Not Being Edith Bunker!

This is a good disorienting clip where Jean Stapleton is trying not to sound or act like a dingbat (she succeeds for the most part, but there is something in her manner that still suggests Edith).

If you really want your mind blown, try watching Jean presenting Emmy awards during the early Seventies (apparently not available on YouTube, thanks a lot). She is out to blow America away, and succeeds in the most disorienting way, with her straight posture, elegant grace and theatrical delivery (picture it: "the nominees ahhhh...").

Still, you can bask in this. Disorient yourselves watching Edith not be Edith.

Irene Ryan Not Being Granny Clampett (Sort of)!

In a rare occurance, YouTube has failed me. I cannot find any clips of Irene Ryan not being Granny Clampett, although I know they exist.

If you were to see her as a contestant on Password, totally dolled up in her latest 1960s old-lady wear, you would have to stop yourself from fainting dead away.

There was another clip (now mysteriously gone) of Irene being interviewed soon after the cancellation of The Beverly Hillbillies. She was on her apartment balcony, watering her plants, and talking about current topics like Viet Nam and the kids today. You would have fallen over.

The closest disorienting clip I could find was this one, where she talks to Donald O' Connor about the good old days of yester-year. She's decked out like Granny, but her voice and body language is decidedly chill.

Try to be as disoriented as you can, and I'll keep looking.

Fred Gwynne Not Being Herman Munster!

Ooh! Ooh! Here's a hilarious scene from "Car 54," featuring Fred Gwynne being totally chill and not green. And slow-jamming on an acoustic guitar!

It won't make you forget Herman's beatnik poem, but you'll dig, man. You'll dig.

He already proved his non-Hermanness in "My Cousin Vinny" and "Pet Cemetary," and spent the rest of his career trying to escape Herman, but here you'll still relish in the disarming, disorienting non-Herman delivery.

Yvonne DeCarlo Not Being Lily Munster!

It's always a disorienting experience to witness Yvonnne DeCarlo not wearing her Lily Munster getup (anyone seeing her in The Ten Commandments knows exactly what I mean).

Here, a totally stunning Yvonne DeCarlo is having a ball not being Lily Munster, lip-synching to a song lousy with double entendres. Amazingly, the gentlemen are keeping their hands to themselves.

She's truly a buccaneer's girl (not Herman Munster's girl), being oh-so-bad-yet-good. A far cry from the domesticated vampiress housewife of 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

So deliciously disorienting!