1982 ABC Promo -- Come On Along!

Fonzie and Chachi, dressed in their 1982 finest, hop out of a helicopter in Manhattan. Yes, nobody can believe it's actually THEM, and yet they instantly put us at ease.

They entreat us, using the international sign language for "come along," to come along. Where we are going, we are not quite sure, but we are too overcome with emotion to question.

The folks they are enticing are regular folks, just like you and me, but also character actors to whom we relate strongly because we are simple minded, working class and easily entertained.

Laverne, Shirley, Tattoo, Mr. Rourke, and even Jack Tripper are joining in the fun, which you won't want to miss this Fall 1982, on ABC. The fun they are having on this commercial is far more entertaining than the actual shows themselves.

Palmolive -- Madge

Finding one good representative Madge situation is impossible, because they're ALL good. But here, we get a small but grateful glimpse into her hazy background, as to why she became a manicurist. She recommends Palmolive strongly, but never makes us think that it's a sick obsession.

"You're soaking in it," she says, but WE'RE soaking in it, and let us all drown in Madge commercials!

The Brady Bunch Variety Hour -- Southern Nights

Making fun of The Brady Bunch Variety Hour is like shooting fish in a barrel. So let's dispense with the easy jabs, but who will be the first to guess the octave in which Barry Williams is singing? And kudos to Fake Jan, who is keeping the song -- and the siblings -- together.

Partridge Family -- Somebody Wants To Love You

Keith has a myriad of probs on his mind, and he has some deep, introspective thinking ahead. He's so focused that even that crazy-ass bus is not distracting him.

He must make choices, and live with those choices: will it be sweet Season Hubley in the poncho, or the high-end, indifferent chick with the ribbon in her hair? Take a wild guess.

Somebody wants to love him. However, it seems that the rows and rows of elderly people at some kind of red-tablecloth banquet love him the most. And that's how it should be.

Aviance

What says Christmas better than this? Aviance night. Holy night.

Hazel

Get a load of the ungrateful sots who Hazel has to serve. Don't they know that she's always -- ALWAYS -- right? And yet, she suffers. Oh, Sweet Mother Hazel, how she suffers.

Mike Rowe for Epic Drugs

Check out this dirty job: I think he's telling us that the pharmacists will deliver the drugs right to your door. Those 1990s really were an "anything goes" decade.

Elizabeth Montgomery's "Droop-Proof" Curls

Somebody please explain to me exactly what she is trying to explain to me!

Cock o' The Walk

Forget about their girth. Look at those priceless expressions on their faces. If everyone in the world made these faces, and danced as they do, the lion will lay down with the rack of lamb.

United Airlines -- Take Me Along!

What's there not to love here? Bright sixties colors! Pre-feminism! Broadway belting and kicking! And the guy you've seen a million times before, playing a cigar-chomping business man for the millionth time! He's taking care of business but also taking care of the little woman.

Fun fact: this campaign was quickly scrapped, as it was learned that businessmen were taking advantage of this offer by "taking along" women other than their wives.

Krass Brothers

The Krass brothers were South Philly altecockers who moved a lot of merch because of these quick and corny commercials. Crass is right, and we loved it. A Philly local TV tradition for nearly two decades, ain't no shame in this game.

Also, listen to how the babes pronounce "suit" in their very finest Philadelphia accent.

Ideal

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQFlkK9nYYs

If you did not grow up in the Philadelphia area in the 1970s, this gem will mean nothing to you. However, for those of us who did, we can sing this song in our sleep.

Take the time to learn it and obsess on it, and join us.

Kiddie A Go Go

This mid-sixties Midwestern children's show actually has a mission statement: to move lunchmeats.

Check out the proud parents in the peanut gallery: they're dressed to the nines. People dressed up for TV and church back then.

The musical guests: The New Colony Six (not too shabby!). They are clearly overjoyed to have been booked on this local kiddie show. Shea Stadium must have already been booked.

These tots could really dance. You could really learn a thing or two from them if you are serious about your sixties dancing.

However, Pandora, the hostess, doesn't quite have the mostess. She's stiff and unsettling, in a charming kind of way.

1971 ABC Promo

This "Everybody's-Talkin"-inspired promo was just the mellow taste for world-weary TV watchers in 1971.

Because everything boils down to TV, we pan down from the cosmos and New York City (including The World Trade Center) to a "typical" American house, just like the kind you n' me live in if we have trust funds.

The promo knows that we stare like zombies into a color console, hypnotized by the ABC logo.

Soft rock and clips of beloved ABC prime-time characters, like the Partridges, The Bradys and the overly intelligent cast of Room 222 remind us that they are our friends, our real imaginary friends, and it's been a long, desperate, lonely, painful, empty summer without them.

The singers remind us that "come this September, this is the place to be," and there is absolutely no arguing with that.

The ultimate strangeness here are the clips of the "new" shows for the fall, with beloved characters and stars that we will never like and, therefore, never know. You'll not know them when you see them.

The Pruitts of Southampton

Try to wrap your mind around this one. This Phyllis Diller sitcom was begging to be loved, dying to be classic. The theme song was pleading for you to sing it obsessively. For me, it works. Maybe not so much for you. But I like the way she lip synchs "and they have us eating stew!"

Here's the deal: Phyllis and her Marilyn-Munster-type daughter live in a mansion, but they are -- get this -- flat broke! SO ahead of its time. Couldn't you watch a hundred of these?

1966 Thursday Night Lineup

Poor mousy Judy Carne. Her "Love on the Rooftop" won't survive, and it shows. She's hopelessly lost between Elizabeth Montgomery's smooth, finishing-school charm and Marlo Thomas' deliberate adorableness.

History will prove that Carne does not belong on that couch. She'll make her mark later, as the "sock-it-to-me girl" on Laugh In. Here, she attempts to explain that she's not really going anywhere, and don't we know it.

Marlo makes a game attempt to sum up the Thursday night lineup, and even though it is akin to brain surgery, she decides to simplify and simply lays down the law: leave your TV tuned to ABC starting at 8:30. Sold!

Wink

Be sure to say "Let's have a party!" just like this gal says it!

Perfect Sleeper

Yeah, Joey Heatherton will get you into a sleepy space, just like the Battle for Iwo Jima. This restful theme (including blaring horns) is just the ticket for to ease yourself off to a restful slumber. Nice Flo Henderson 'do on Joey too, and she does some before-bed limbering exercises. She's so shy, so introverted, so retiring.